Phooey!

Weight loss sucks!

Surprisingly, this is the mantra that ensured my weight loss success. I never would have believed I could lose 25 pounds in a few months if my gorgeous sister hadn't done it first. She joined a weight loss challenge in our community and won! I decided, "Hey, that's a form of torture I haven't attempted yet!" When I asked her how she did it, her response was atypical but not unexpected. "It just sucks!"

"Ummm, excuse me?"

This is when she looked me straight in the eye and said something like, "You have to work hard, watch what you eat, and it is just gonna suck for a while."

"Oh, ok." This is starting to sound like a lot less fun than I thought. But, there it is. Weight loss sucks! That is exactly what I needed to hear. You always here these Barbies that look amazing talk about how they love working out or they don't think salad tastes a little like dirt, but that's just not me! I always started out a work out plan thinking that it would get fun. That once my lifestyle had officially changed, I would get used to it. Sorry! You can't get used to hating life. It's not gonna happen. It's not what I want either.

So there I was, I started my challenge at one-hundred-and-more-than-I-should-have-been pounds in hopes of losing at least 25 pounds by the end of the challenge: just under 5 months. Totally doable, but completely daunting! I did my 30 minute intense workout everyday. EVERYDAY! That was the hardest part. Making time. So my house got a little messier and my kids learned terms like, "Push it Ladies!" and "That is fear leaving your body." They may have heard some choice phrases leave my lips as well but, we'll leave that for now!

Well, I can officially say, "I DID IT!" I really did. I now weight one-hundred-and-right-where-I've-always-wanted-to-be pounds and I almost like buying clothes again. ALMOST!

That's the problem. Weight loss, the verb, sucks but so does weight loss, the noun. I'm there. I've lost. Everything should be better, right? WRONG. Self-confidence doesn't come with weight loss. Beauty doesn't come with weight loss. Love doesn't come with weight loss.

What does?

Fear. Doubt. Shyness.

Fear, because I will always live in fear of weight loss's arch enemy, weight gain! If I can lose it, I can gain it. I love good Mennonite food and I could easily gain, and gain well!

Doubt, because I still somehow don't believe I can do this. Even though I already have. Now I just doubt I can keep it off.

Shyness, the biggest one for me. I feel even more self-conscious in the way I look now that I have changed so much. I get more comments on what I am wearing or how I look now because my ever so loyal friends are so very supportive. This is awesome, however, it's the comments from people not included in my social circle that have me wanting to retreat back into my fat suit. People who's only connection to me is the weekly hour and a half in church noticed my body change and were open in their observations. They wanted to be supportive but for me, it had the opposite effect. If they are seeing me that clearly every week, I better pay more attention to what I look like. I went from what I thought was complete obscurity to someone people actually notice. I know that nothing really changed but somehow, now I feel watched in a way I never have before.

So. Weight loss, in what ever grammatical term you apply, sucks. It really does. I have to say though that it is worth it. I can shop at almost any store. (Still have too many curves for Le Chateau!) I can run after my kids or refinish my kitchen without getting winded. I can look at my underwear clad body in the mirror without dry heaving. I have to learn that all the things I thought would accompany my weight loss, self-confidence, beauty, and love only come from one place. My father, the king. My God is the only source for these things, and though they are manifest through my husband, parents, and kids, I look to the source with a hopeful face. I will find those things. Someday.