Perspective.

I watched a video today about a severely autistic girl who was unable to speak. For the first 11 years of her life she was labelled as developmentally delayed as well as autistic. (the actual diagnoses was "mentally retarded" but I will use the current term here) When she was eleven, they sat her in front of a computer for the first time and since then she has gone on to write a blog and started a novel. She answers questions not only coherently but more intelligently than most "average" kids. WOW.

Why is this relevant?

Enter Oli. My beautiful, energetic, highly intelligent son.

Though he is not even close to having the same symptoms as this lovely girl, my husband and I have tossed the "autism" ball around for some time. He has moderate social anxieties, including separation fears. These symptoms worsen when change to routine or environment occur. We struggle to bring him anywhere or have people over to visit without feeling severe embarrassment over his angry, and sometimes violent behaviour. I found myself constantly apologizing for him and "explaining" Oli to the people around him.

Enter a very special auntie and who I look to as a wonderful parenting figure. She found herself doing the same thing with her son. Always "explaining" how his brain works or why he was behaving a certain way. Right in front of her son. She encouraged me not to do this. Don't display for them that they are "defective" by explaining away what you perceive as faults. Hadn't thought of it that way.

I thought about what it would be like if my parents had always done this for me......

"My apologies. We've tried to get her to stop chewing on everything but she just seems to need the calories." (This is COMPLETELY untrue!)

"Sorry about her. She refuses to wear jeans so inappropriate leggings in a myriad of colours is all I can get on her body." (This one may be true...)

"Aw man! Sorry, we've tried to get her to talk slower, but her brain must work faster than most..." (Can't deny this one.)

Ok. So who am I kidding, they are all true.... (But I don't remember my parents ever saying things like this.)

Moral of the story?

I'm done apologizing for who my son is. That doesn't mean I am done teaching. In a private, safe place, I will still instruct and try to lead him in finding his way to more appropriate responses and behaviours. But the public displays of shame and dismay (which sounds harsh but let's face it, that's what it is!) are over!!

So if you see me do this, please remind me....I DO run on a "mom-brain" afterall...

A Good Man was Easy to find.

Yesterday I tried to figure out how my husband manages to balance all the amazing things he does for me. He would like to be in constant physical contact...but still wants to know about me as a person. His every action is designed to make my life easier. He wishes he were home while he's at work, and I think he actually ENJOYS taking 3 toddlers and his town-raised wife along on farm errands. The only solution I can come up with is that he actually loves us THAT much. He just does. He firmly believes me to be the most beautiful woman on our fair planet, (God bless his ignorance!) and he desires for my happiness above all else. He is always trying to better himself as a parent and takes the time to explain things he is doing to the kids. I am hopelessly attached to this man.

Haven't changed at all in 9 years! ;)

This is my joy today. And my sorrow. Tomorrow we will bury a vibrant wife and daughter. My thoughts these last few days have been wrapped up in trying to imagine how life will continue for her husband. It scares me. Almost enough to make me want to withdraw. Try to keep from losing myself in him. Here's the rub. I like enjoying the blissful happiness I live in right now. And, after all the energy I've spent imagining my life without him, I forgot the reverse. I hope if I go first, he will know how much I loved him. I vow to spend whatever time I have left telling, and showing him and others how much I love him.